So I’ve been in mental health hospital since Jan 1st. Now is May 25th.
Those with power decided to move me from one hospital site to another, which was a massive upheaval and shock to my system. I was in the last hospital for 3.5 months so you can imagine that I was accustomed to the workings and environment over there. Now I’ve been in this one for over a month and I’m getting used to it. Unfortunately it is much less catered to my physical needs and don’t have accessible facilities. However the staff are nicer, but NOT the patients. I have no friends here which is not very nice as I had some quite good friends in my last hospital but I have more freedom here which IS nice. I also get a lot more physical support as I am on 121 at night and morning so that I have the help that I need. 121 means that I have my own personal nurse to look after my physical and mental health needs.
Also some GREAT news is that I will be getting accessible accommodation from the local authorities. Which is amazing news because it means I can be comfortable and have the facilities that I need to live my life. Initially they said no, which was a massive blow and I was besides myself as I was officially homeless. But they have now agreed to house me. Which is great news. I’m so happy about this.
Another thing is my RODC. This is a term we used to use at school which stands for Ride or Die Chick. Which basically means a friend that is there for you as much as they can. So my best girl from day has agreed to be my live in carer. Which is a massive thing. She will be living with me and the authorities will house us in a 2 bedroom property. I am immensely grateful to her for doing this for me and I could never repay her for doing this for me.
So my mental health: I discussed my diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my last post. I have been put on mood stabilisers and antidepressants to even out the way my mind works. The only thing with this is I no longer have a filter in the things I say. I speak my mind so much more now, which can both be good and bad. My reservations have been shattered and I’m pretty much YOLOing at the moment.
I’m still not sure what the point of my life is and I’m chronically suicidal. I don’t know what I am supposed to do by the way of achieving anything in life as my body isn’t compliant with what my mind wants it to do. I feel like I should have achieved something more since graduating in 2015. Yes I’ve had some good jobs and earned some good money. But that was only for a little while and I cant do that anymore. I wish more for myself though. I want to be well enough to work, I want to publish books, learn to fly a plane, learn German and work in Germany for a while, learn BSL and so many other things. But will my body allow me?
I wanted to complete my PGCE and teach secondary biology and move into SEN. But my body definitely won’t let me embark on a course of full time study.
Maybe I can start small and work on improving my German for now. Apply for the flying scholarship for next year. Maybe I’ll make a list of things I could/can do. I don’t know. At the moment I have no motivation or drive to do anything in the way of these things. I’m stuck in hospital and doing nothing much. That’s not me….
Not sure what to do tbh…
So that’s me. May God truly guide our steps.