On being in hospital for 5 months, some good news and a RODC

So I’ve been in mental health hospital since Jan 1st. Now is May 25th.

Those with power decided to move me from one hospital site to another, which was a massive upheaval and shock to my system. I was in the last hospital for 3.5 months so you can imagine that I was accustomed to the workings and environment over there. Now I’ve been in this one for over a month and I’m getting used to it. Unfortunately it is much less catered to my physical needs and don’t have accessible facilities. However the staff are nicer, but NOT the patients. I have no friends here which is not very nice as I had some quite good friends in my last hospital but I have more freedom here which IS nice. I also get a lot more physical support as I am on 121 at night and morning so that I have the help that I need. 121 means that I have my own personal nurse to look after my physical and mental health needs.

 

Also some GREAT news is that I will be getting accessible accommodation from the local authorities. Which is amazing news because it means I can be comfortable and have the facilities that I need to live my life. Initially they said no, which was a massive blow and I was besides myself as I was officially homeless. But they have now agreed to house me. Which is great news. I’m so happy about this.

Another thing is my RODC. This is a term we used to use at school which stands for Ride or Die Chick. Which basically means a friend that is there for you as much as they can. So my best girl from day has agreed to be my live in carer. Which is a massive thing. She will be living with me and the authorities will house us in a 2 bedroom property. I am immensely grateful to her for doing this for me and I could never repay her for doing this for me.

So my mental health: I discussed my diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my last post. I have been put on mood stabilisers and antidepressants to even out the way my mind works. The only thing with this is I no longer have a filter in the things I say. I speak my mind so much more now, which can both be good and bad. My reservations have been shattered and I’m pretty much YOLOing at the moment.

I’m still not sure what the point of my life is and I’m chronically suicidal. I don’t know what I am supposed to do by the way of achieving anything in life as my body isn’t compliant with what my mind wants it to do. I feel like I should have achieved something more since graduating in 2015. Yes I’ve had some good jobs and earned some good money. But that was only for a little while and I cant do that anymore. I wish more for myself though. I want to be well enough to work, I want to publish books, learn to fly a plane, learn German and work in Germany for a while, learn BSL and so many other things. But will my body allow me?
I wanted to complete my PGCE and teach secondary biology and move into SEN. But my body definitely won’t let me embark on a course of full time study.

Maybe I can start small and work on improving my German for now. Apply for the flying scholarship for next year. Maybe I’ll make a list of things I could/can do. I don’t know. At the moment I have no motivation or drive to do anything in the way of these things. I’m stuck in hospital and doing nothing much. That’s not me….

Not sure what to do tbh…

So that’s me. May God truly guide our steps.

~Misch~

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Understanding functionality as a Physically and Mentally Ill Person

I’m sitting in my little nook in ‘The Willows’ restaurant in the hospital and I have no idea what to say.

How do you function as an ill person? Whether it be physically, mentally or anything else.

Well the latest and greatest analogy I’ve found is the spoon theory created by a lady called Christine with Lupus- this theory in brief is that a chronically ill person wakes up in the morning with a certain amount of theoretical spoons- this can be 10, 5, 4, 2 or any other amount. This amount depends on how much your illness affects you, how you slept that night, the amount of pain you’ve woken up in etc.

For example, yesterday I woke up with literally about 3 spoons.

I used 2 to have a shower and one to eat lunch. I didn’t even eat dinner or breakfast. The rest of the day was sleeping in bed.

This morning I woke up with a few more, maybe 5 or 6, so I used 2 to have a shower, but had to sleep after my shower for a few hours because the shower took it out of me.

I’m using one or two spoons to write this now so maybe I’ll be left with 2 or 3 left for the rest of the day. Which includes eating, drinking, toileting etc.

See the basic gist is that menial tasks that health people take for granted use up spoons for people who are chronically unwell. Things like washing, dressing, eating, writing, typing can all use up your spoons. Some ill people can manage a job, or education, some have to go part time, but some cant manage these tasks at all and I’m one of the latter. I can barely get washed and dressed (back into pjs) on a daily basis. I am a spoonie and I have to use my spoons wisely. Because of both chronic fatigue and pain not to mention the medications that I take.

IF I dare venture anywhere close by, I pay for it the following days because I’ve basically borrowed spoons from the next day, for the outing, so for the next few days I can do nothing.

Its hard to live like this. And the implications of any task can be hard. Everything has to be weighed up. Can I shower or eat. Can I get dressed or go and get some fresh air for a few minutes. Everything is a toss up.

For more information on the spoon theory google ‘spoon theory’ and lots of information will come up.

Anyway, how are you guys? I’d love to hear from you in the comments section what you think about this theory, if you’re also a spoonie, if you’ve found any helpful links etc. If you don’t have a wordpress account just comment on facebook or email me on the address in the ‘about me’ section.

Remember if you want to talk about any of the content on the blog, drop me a comment or email me.

Lots of love

May God be gracious to us all

~Misch~

 

 

A Day in the Life of a Mental Health Hospital Patient (part 1)

Two months ago on the 1st January I made the decision to end my life. It was a serious decision and I was ready to go.

I blacked out and distinctly heard my phone ring. I was discovered by my best friend and she called an ambulance. Shortly after, my mother arrived home with her partner and began to panic. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and they treated me medically whilst treating my like the scum of the earth. Why would I waste their precious time that could have been used to treat patients who have had ‘real accidents’ and want to live. Well that was the difference between me and them, I didn’t want to live and didn’t wish to waste healthcare professionals time trying to save me from a life that I didn’t want.

After being stabilised medically I was transferred to a mental health hospital, Chase Farm Hospital where I experienced a whole different level of existence.

I sit here writing this in the hospital café which sounds a lot nicer than it actually is. It is a place that we are taken to in hoards by healthcare staff almost prison like and we stand in a queue choosing between the fish or chicken curry. We stare at all of the things we are not allowed to have, like chocolate bars or rice cakes and have pick between these mass microwaved meals.

Today I picked chips and beans because curries that were not actually made by people who know about curries, are not very nice. We also get about 50ml juice with our meals. Called “juice shots” which would not be sufficient for a toddler. If you have a particularly nice member of staff serving you that day, you might be lucky enough to get 2 juice shots!

During our days on the ward, we get something called OT activities which are run by Occupational therapists and their assistants. We get two 1 hour activities per day and the rest of the days is you and your thoughts, as the staff are too bogged down with paperwork that used to be done by admin staff, but due to NHS cuts, are done by nurses which gives them no time to actually engage with us.

If you are lucky, you might actually get on with someone on the ward. For me, my saving grace has been a lady called Beth who is similar in age to me and we get on really well and help each other a lot with things that limit us due to our mental health conditions. Our friendship has grown over the time we have been together on the ward, and I hope we will continue to be friends once we leave here. She is leaving very soon and I am so happy that she is getting out, but I will miss her like hell. Between the screams and pissed on floors by mentally ill patients and the staff that have no idea about mental health, Beth has been my saving grace.

There are also some nurses that I honestly wish I could take home with me to look after me once I get discharged. G, K, L, C, M, S, H (initials only for confidentiality sake) are some of the nurses that I am grateful to have. The rest don’t have a clue, speak to you harshly, treat you like an animal, make medication mistakes that they don’t own up to, and are just generally not very nice people. This can be difficult to live with when you have to see them on a day to day basis.

I am lucky to have some healthcare staff that advocate for me in a variety of different ways. Between my chronic fatigue, pain and sleeping for days at a time, these kind members of staff make all the difference in this jungle we call a ward. And I say this not just because of the patients, but because of the staff also.

My diagnosis: bipolar disorder.

I’m not ashamed, but however, I don’t know how I feel about this. I am taking mood stabilisers and anti depressants along with my regular medication that I take for my physical health.

I am now waiting for a meeting with an OT (occupational therapist) who will assess my physical capabilities. I will write again soon from this computer in the little café outside my ward called ‘The Willows’

Speak to you all soon. And do me a favour please- pray for me because the discouragement is real.

God please help us all with all of our struggles and thank you for our glimmers of hope, no matter how small.

Love you all

~Misch~

 

How to be a good friend to someone in hospital

So I have been in hospital enough times now to be well and truly sick of being there. Luckily, most recently I was in hospital in my home city, so I had lots of friends and family come and visit me- which was lovely. Equally, when I was in hospital previously in another city- I had some wonderful people around me who tirelessly supported and loved me through my surgeries and pain.

At one point or another, we all are going to know someone that has to go into hospital for whatever reason, so here are some handy tips for you all to remember if your loved ones go into hospital.

1) Discussing their illness/health condition:
Ask them if they want to talk about what’s going on with them. Be aware that EVERYBODY that comes to visit will ask what is going on and they may not want to talk about it. Some of my best times in hospital were sharing a tub of hagen daz and 3 spoons with my girlfriends, watching a movie, making up songs, getting my nails painted and getting massages from my friends. Equally, your loved one may want to cry, rant or talk about what’s going on, so be prepared to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or to talk things out with them

2) Depression
Is very common amongst people who get ill and need to be in hospital- especially if they need to be in for extended periods of time. Be aware that your loved one might not contact you as much as they usually do, may behave slightly differently or express signs of depression http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx. Look out for them and be supportive. Try to do normal things with them like watching movies, doing quizzes, painting nails, doing their hair, discussing updates on their favourite sport etc

3) Come and visit!
As regularly as your schedule will allow- if your loved one is up for visits. Don’t burn yourself out trying to come every day. But as much as you can support your loved one- they will appreciate you for it for the rest of their lives. Being in hospital is so lonely and you being there is like a dose of normality and lots of love for them. Tip: come consistently if you can, over the time that they are in hospital, sometimes when people are in hospital, they get lots of visits at the beginning and then people don’t visit anymore. Don’t do that. If you live a bit further out and can make it down one weekend- do it! I had friends come and visit me from hours away when I was in hospital and I love you for that ❤

4) Food.
I can’t tell you how nasty, bland, mushy and just generally disgusting hospital food is. I am SOOOOOO grateful to the people who brought me food. Home cooked food, Sushi, Caribbean food, Nandos, Thai food, Japanese food etc were all appreciated to the max. Ask your loved one if you can bring them any food in (or drinks)- even if they can only stomach a little or something bland- they will more than likely be wanting something or other. Trust me when I tell you that they will appreciate it.

5) Clothes- When you are in hospital, you need comfy clothes/pajamas/nighties. Depending on whether someone has had surgery can also limit their clothing options. I could only wear nighties after my surgeries and the best ones had buttons all the way down the front. I then progressed to batty riders (very short shorts) instead of undies because undies chafed over my surgical wounds. Very loose and lightweight dressing gowns are also very useful because they won’t be hard to get over any cannulas.
Ask your loved one if they need anything bought or washed-Chances are that they will. If you can visit regularly, you can take their clothes home and wash them and bring them back, or make a rota amongst your friends/family for washing your loved ones clothes. They may need some clothes that they don’t usually wear, so they may need someone to go to the shops for them. Ask them what they need.

6) Toiletries/lotions/hair stuff
Same as above, your loved one will need supplies of these things. Offer to get whatever they need from a local superdrug/savers/boots or hair shop. My faithful friends went to bodyshop for me to buy my favourite body butters. It made me feel good about myself to smell good.

7) Personal affairs/finances etc
Chances are, if your loved one has been in hospital for a while, their personal affairs might be a bit of a mess. If you can, offer to make any calls for them or sort out any paperwork. It will be appreciated.

8) Flowers/chocolate/nice things
Are lovely to get for your loved one in hospital. 2 friends turned up one day with a gift bag full of treats for me when I was in hospital and my joy was immeasurable! Another friend brought me some beautiful sunflowers that brought me so much joy. Before I went for surgery, my lovely work friend from my old job made it her business to find out what my favourite snacks were, and brought me one of each with some funny toys and beanies, another 2 friends brought me a gorgeous teddy and a card. Oh my goodness I just remembered, after one of my surgeries, another friend sent me a customised tshirt with our private joke on it and a baseball bat “in case anyone tried it”.
LOL. Another friend drove over 150 miles to bring me a beautiful bunch of flowers and a hug.
Needless to say, ALL of these gifts meant so much to me and cheered me up loads. I have great friends *tear*

9) If they need you- come
If your loved one calls or messages you asking you to come, and you can make it, then go.
It took a lot for them to ask you to come because they knew how much effort it is for you to go. Sometimes I just really needed a hug, or a chat, or just someone to sit with me while I cried and it really helped.

10) Look after YOU
I know that supporting a loved one who is ill can be tiring. I know this because some of my friends and family have been burnt out trying to support me. It is important that you take time for yourself and look after yourself

I have amazing friends and family and from the bottom of my heart each and every one of you who have loved me and supported me whilst I’ve been ill. Thank you. You are a champion and I couldn’t and can’t go through this without you.

I hope this has been interesting and informative. The next time you have a loved one in hospital, you know what to do! 😉

The patient life….

In hospital still. The pain team (yes that’s a thing) are trying to get on top of my pain by giving me different cocktails of drugs daily. Luckily I have a lovely bay of patients who are kind and supportive. The unwritten patient code means we know what is wrong with one another and advocate for each other when we cant advocate for ourselves. The horror when the doctors draw the curtains to have a ‘private chat’ is unmeasurable. And in those moments I wish my mum was by my side at all times to advocate for me.

I have lovely Sam opposite me. She’s very upfront and has a slight cockney accent. She wont take any prisoners but she is very kind. She has a massive abscess from her ankle to her backside and is in large amounts of pain. She has a PCA (morphine pump). Across, next to Sam is Kay, she is one of our newest bay members- she is very well spoken and has smashed her leg in and cant get out of bed. She seems very lovely and up for a chat. Next to Kay is Marian who is an absolute character. She is incredibly well spoken and some might say she is posh. She doesn’t take any nonsense at all but will have a good conversation with you. She is older and has smashed her hip and knee and cannot leave her bed at all.

The other two beds next to me I’m not so sure about because they don’t say much, but hopefully I’ll find out more about them in the coming days.

I’m in here whilst they find out why I’m in such pain. Chronic pain is difficult and some treatment options have been trialled to make me more comfortable.

Being in hospital is hard and painful  I’m having a wonderful time with all of my lovely visitors-friends and family.

Again, please come to see me if I love you and you are around. Let me know and I’ll add you to my ‘visiting Mischa’ group on WhatsApp.

Love you all

~Misch~

Hospital tales….

Sitting in the discomfort of my epic pain, I observe some cliché hospital characters. Busy 30 something year old trying to keep up with work post op, elderly lady with daily visiting daughter, lady that intends to know everything about everybody.

I ponder on which stereotype I fit into… youngest on the ward, caught up with social media, wearing short shorts and preppy uni tees maybe?

I also wonder when I will leave the comforts of the hospital.

Comfort you ask? Yes, acceptance of being ill and disabled, having help when I need it, and full accessibility. But what kind of life is it- being in hospital with the disastrous food, being poked and prodded, talked down to by pretentious orthopaedic surgeons, sleeping all day due to crazy drugs being pumped into my veins.

Don’t get me wrong SOME doctors are nice, the nurses, phsyios and OTs are all lovely. Just ortho surgeons- its like they all came from the same cold, unfriendly egg or something. Honestly, they really need some people skills, empathy and kindness. Its not that hard?!

When will I be ready to reintegrate into society? Go back to my wonderful family and day job. How will I manage at home?

I am in London at the moment. On a long term visit and it is absolutely wonderful to have friends and family around to go out with and to come and visit me in hospital. It means so much to me when friends and family visit me in hospital. If I love you and you are able to visit, even if you have already, please come. It means a lot to me. I’m in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital. Text me for more details of wards and stuff.

Also, you’d never guess what?? There is a cinema in this hospital! Like a proper cinema for patients to use with space for wheelchairs and hospital beds, along with cinema seating. I went in my bed, attached to drips on Tuesday to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie with Freddo and Wonder Woman yesterday with Jaz. It was so cool- lost myself for a moment and just felt like I was at the cinema with friends.

Something cool that happened recently is a video I was in on T&R talks, discussing disability! Check it out, and don’t forget to comment if you have something to say!

Anyone got any tips on reintegrating back into home life after staying in hospital? I struggle every time!

Love you all and thank you for reading

God: please help us all.

~Misch~

 

Am I Disabled?

This is a wonderful guest post from my dear friend Kathryn Mitchell.

 

Am I disabled?

 

“Do you consider yourself to be disabled?” This was a question my friend asked me recently and although many people with disabilities may give the outright answer, yes, I wasn’t able to. Well to be honest, I initially said yes but I later clarified it and I didn’t reach a final answer; it was a bit of a grey area, technically speaking. In case you were wondering, just because someone has a disability, it does not mean that they consider themselves to be disabled.

 

Bit of background about me. I have an extremely rare invisible illness called Lambert-Eaton Myasthenic Syndrome (LEMS), which began developing almost 16 years ago, when I was 8. The main thing it is characterised by is severe muscle weakness and I take medication daily, which provides temporary relief from my symptoms. (I’ve been taking this medication for the past 8 years). I take tablets 3 times a day and each time, when the effect of them ‘kicks in’, I get a boost of muscle strength – a glimpse of almost ‘normality’. The boost doesn’t last very long though, so it’s a strange experience for me, being up and down every day in terms of strength. Meanwhile, for the entire time I’ve been ill, I’ve looked well, apparently. Looks can be deceiving!

 

Anyway, I didn’t consider calling myself disabled until I was about 15/16, because when I was younger I felt like it was a negative thing. A taboo or a bad word. According to the Equality Act 2010 though, I am classified as a disabled individual. The definition of a disabled person, according to the Act, is someone who has a physical or mental impairment that has a ‘long term’ negative effect on their ability to do normal activities.

 

I became ill at a young and impressionable age and it was a very traumatic experience for me. I was confused about what was going on with me and lost a lot of confidence, all on top of the general loneliness of having a long-term illness. At the time, there were things about me that really made it obvious that I had a disability. I used to get picked on and alienated by other children because of things that I now realise stemmed from, and/or were symptoms of, my illness that I was not aware of at the time. Or like….teased that I would be in a care home or use a wheelchair when I’m older. I didn’t understand why I was suddenly being treated like there was something wrong with me, but all I knew is that it started when I became ill, meaning (to me) it was caused by it. I never used to say to anyone that I have a disability; saying I had “walking difficulties” just sounded ‘easier’. So to me, my illness was a horrible and negative thing that made me unwelcome, unlikeable and….weird. So why would I want to identify with something that made me this way?…………. (I now know that children generally pick on other children if they have differences, but as a child, it can of course be very distressing)

 

I had this mind-set for the longest time and although, deep down, I hated it, it had become normal to me. It’s one of the main reasons why I was so reluctant to refer to myself as disabled. I do believe God has helped me to process through some of those old perspectives, but if I am honest, I’m not completely better. But I will be – it’s only a matter of time. A main part of the process of getting past those negative perspectives for me was realising that it is about my mind-set and what I choose to believe about myself.

 

In my opinion, processing through a childhood trauma is absolutely necessary, however you choose to go about it. You might not even be aware of how affected you are by something in your past, but I would recommend that you do talk about it, write about it or express it in some fashion or the other, because that is how we learn and heal. Some of the ways include prayer, counselling, talking to an understanding friend or joining a forum (face-to-face or online) where you can share your struggles and celebrate your victories. It’s not by ‘burying your head in the sand’ or by just making sure you’re always busy that you can heal but by processing what you’ve been through, which enables you to come to terms with the reality then and the reality now. And I would also encourage you to change your mind-set. After that, you can move forward with a bit less weight on your shoulders.

 

I haven’t shared this to gain sympathy or pity, but rather to just give some background about one of the reasons I have had a hard time getting to the place where I call myself disabled. I think I have found it hard to adjust to and accept my ‘new life’. (Adjusting is real and it can take any amount of time based on the individual and circumstances – could be weeks, could be decades). I’m sure there are other reasons why someone might feel ashamed of their disability, but I’ve finally come to realise that unless you are able to fully accept what has happened to you and the way your life is now different, you will not be able to move forward the way you need to in your life – for your own wellbeing. Trust me when I say that. I am much less concerned now about fitting in and avoiding being seen to be disabled, which for me includes using a wheelchair, amongst other things.

 

So to ask myself the question again, I guess I do consider myself to be disabled. I deleted and re-typed this statement so many times and the more I look at it, the more I want to change it again. But for now, that’s my final answer….and I like to say: I have LEMS, but it does not have me.

 

Kathryn x

 

A Car Rally, A New Carer and Some Good News!

Yesterday my church young adults group had a car rally! It was really fun, we drove around the city in different teams collecting numbers, using navigation directions. However, we were unable to follow the course and came back hanging our heads in shame, having only got 10/39 checkpoints! BUT we came 2nd overall out of 6, which wasn’t too bad at all. We had a score of 54, which was pretty decent since the scores went from minus something (we didn’t even realise it was possible to get a minus score!) to 56. So our team were surprised as anything but pretty chuffed! It was a fun night!

In other news, I found that Jo the carer and I didn’t have much in common, she was lovely but I found that she and I had nothing to talk about and that made the relationship very strained. I also found her a bit patronising and unable to empathise with my difficulties as someone with a chronic pain condition and disability- so I asked the agency if I could have a different carer. And now I have Cebisa, who is wonderfully caring and we have loads to talk about! Also she is a Christian, which is really helpful because she encourages me in the word when I’m feeling down. So that is wonderful!

My good news is that I’m moving to a new disabled flat! Its in a lovely vibrant area of the city with lots of shops and places to eat, so I am over the moon about that! Its also quite close to town! I was really worried- as I was offered the flat some months ago, on the premise that I was employed, and now I’m not, so I was worried that they were going to revoke the offer. But they didn’t! I braved it and told them and they said its completely fine and that they really liked me and would like me to be their tenant! How amazing is that! So I should be moving in a couple of months!

I decided to do some study of the bible and to start reading my books again- but today I tried and then felt my eyelids drooping so went to sleep for a number of hours. I have had a busy week so maybe its caught up to me. I really want to understand the different views on millennialism and whether or not the spiritual gifts are dead (cessationism). If anyone has any opinions on these topics, feel free to comment. I am doing my research currently!

Dear God, help us to understand your word.

Amen

 

~Misch~

 

Diary of a Girl on Wheels Entry#1: Common misconceptions

I’m starting a new series of ongoing blog posts called ‘Diary of a Girl on Wheels’.

This series will document my experiences as a wheelchair user in society today, challenges and positive experiences =)

If anyone has any experiences using a wheelchair, I’d love to hear from you- please email me or comment in the comment boxes!

My first topic is common misconceptions about wheelchair users, please feel free to add any, comment or ask any questions!

1. That all wheelchair users cant walk at all- some wheelchair users cant walk at all, but some can! Some people can walk a little bit, or on certain days. Don’t assume, if you see a wheelchair user walking- that you’ve witnessed a miracle, or that they are a liar. People have a wide variety of reasons for using a wheelchair

2. That just because you’ve said, “if you don’t mind me asking” it makes it alright to begin the sentence with  “what happened to you”. This is inappropriate probing if you don’t know somebody. Yes, in fact I do mind you asking such a personal question. Just because my disability is obvious, doesn’t mean I want to tell sensitive information to a complete stranger. Get to know the person in the chair first! I wouldn’t ask you out of the blue if you had a health condition, why you don’t have children or if you own your own home- these things are private!

3. That wheelchair users can’t communicate- Many wheelchair users are able to communicate verbally. Just because you need a wheelchair, it doesn’t automatically mean you are unable to talk! Many wheelchair users have alternative methods of communication- such as through a talking device, sign language or using their eyes. Don’t assume! When meeting a wheelchair user- talk normally- if they use an alternative method of communication, they or somebody with them will make you aware! Speak to them first if your business is with them. Too many times people have spoken to a friend or carer on my behalf and I don’t half shut them down because of it. Don’t be ignorant.

4. That wheelchair users must always have a carer or companion with them- I go plenty of places by myself! People can live by themselves, with partners, friends or family. I have lived with housemates, with family and alone

5. That wheelchair users are not as intelligent as you. I think this one speaks for itself.

6. That because someone ‘doesn’t look disabled’ that they don’t need a wheelchair. I’ve had that so many times! “You don’t look disabled!”. Some examples of things that cannot be visualised are brittle bones, lack of muscle strength, bone cancers and tumours

7. That wheelchair users only date other wheelchair users- this is as ridiculous as saying you only date someone with the same hair colour as yourself!

8. That wheelchair users always have mental impairments- some do, but many do not

 

I hope that this has been helpful to somebody!

Lots of love,

~Misch~

 

“We liked you but there’s someone with more experience” and “sorry you cant walk”

Is the epic story of my life. Another post interview rejection (of course). Why do I even hope for anything different- hope seems futile. The more you hope, the more scope to be let down. I try not to let it get to me but I cant help but cry and despair over the state of my life.

I try so hard, prepare presentations, travel miles- all for nothing.

No-one will give me a chance- If you like me than why not hire me?! Always opting for the person with more experience. How am I supposed to get experience when no-one will give me a chance to get experience?!

Sigh

What’s the point in hoping for anything better. This is just my life- I should be used to rejection and disappointment by now.

If you don’t try than you cant succeed. If you try, you also cant fail.

Today also my was my last appointment with my surgeon who basically said she tried her best and sorry that things didn’t work out for me to be walking.

Its ok, I say. Thank you for trying.

Its ok, I say. Thank you for letting me know.

Where the heck is God in all of this?

What am I supposed to hope for when hope seems futile.

What is important?

God is

But if he loves me so much than why can’t he give me a break

“the biggest challenges for the strongest soldiers”

“your time will come”

Don’t comfort me, when will God show up?

When will something good happen?

 

If the answer is never than I wish it would just hit me with a ton of bricks. I wish I could know now so that I don’t hope for anything apart from heaven.

Can I even hope for that? If I cant hope for earthly things, are there heavenly things? I ask myself

Where is God

Who is God and what is he doing with my life?

I try to read Josephs story in Genesis. A story full of hope. But I don’t feel hopeful, not in times like this.

 

Is being able to walk such a big deal?

Is not being pain-free such a big deal?

Is having a job such a big deal?

Is remaining on this earth such a big deal.

 

I cry and feel hopeless. Sit here and consider suicide once again. Don’t be stupid, I tell myself. They are just legs. Its just a job.

But I reply to myself, its not simply these things- its the downwards trend my life is going in.

When will something good happen? Or should I just stop waiting and accept my fate?

God??????